Healing Toxic Perfectionism – 6 Things You Must Know

When Perfection Becomes Toxic… The Secret Underlying Reasons For Shame, Judgment And Self Hate – How To Start Feeling Better And Being Your Own Friend

I'm sure we’ve all been there. We feel like we're falling short of what we "should" be achieving.

There are surprisingly “normal” reasons for it.

But when we have low self worth and 'hate' ourselves it’s actually a huge signpost that there are other things going on behind the scenes.

Whenever you feel this way, your inner self calling for you to recognize that you have a LOT of judgments you need to look at. So let's explore

You Weren’t Born Being Mean To Yourself

And the big key here is – they come from somewhere! You weren’t born hating yourself, being mean to yourself or anyone else. No one is.

We are taught to hate things, or rather to judge things as wrong.

So to really deal with this, let’s go further… In order to not only feel better but actually give yourself room to expand into a better situation.

The pattern of being mean to ourselves nearly always comes from childhood.

Most likely you have very high standards of yourself and you feel like you’re not living up to them – that’s where self hatred, shame and guilt comes from. (I’ve been there too, like so many of us!)

Now, first of all, know that those standards are often hidden, so it's helpful to pinpoint exactly where it is you feel you’ve fallen short.

Journal on it, or explain it as if you were saying it to a friend. Often, this reveals judgments so unreasonable that we can breathe more easily when we see that it’s not something we’re to blame for.

The Catch-22 Of Impossible Standards

And now, who gave you those impossibly high standards? They’re often about ideas of “perfection”. Whether it’s to be a “perfect” mother, have a “perfect” body or face, or to be rich, successful or married by a certain age… 



Most of these standards come from society and other people. They’re just ideas people have agreed on.

And often they’re pushed onto us by advertising and people who benefit financially from our striving to reach them!

Remember this – that someone somewhere told you or taught you that you weren’t enough! That’s where the self hatred or feelings of unworthiness come from.

Does that feel slightly different? Do you understand your own reaction now a little more? Maybe you can release it a little?

Why Some People Are Able To Face Failure With A Smile…

So now onto a related point. Not everyone hates themselves because they’re not living up to certain ideals. 
Some people even thrive in the face of it!

There’s a difference between people who shrug off the idea of perfection and thrive as who they uniquely are:

💌Happy, vivacious people of sizes 16 and over…
💌Youthful seeming, exuberant 80 year olds…
💌Uneducated people who manage to excel in business over those who spent years in university…
💌People with severe physical disabilities who inspire and lead others with unstoppable positivity.

Again, we’re back to childhood. Our reactions and how we handle the seemingly impossible, also stem mostly from childhood.

So who may have shown or even told you that berating yourself was appropriate? Who around you hated themselves or felt unworthy when you were growing up?

When we’re children, we don’t just do what our parents tell us, we model their behavior.

It can be something as subtle as having a mother who constantly dieted and complained about her weight.

Or a father who insisted on A grades and nothing else was good enough. Love was withheld unless certain conditions were met.

The underlying signals to the child would have been – “I’m not good enough because I don’t fit a certain image, and therefore I hate myself."

It’s Not Your Fault!

As a child you would have picked up on these and modeled them as a behavior, an emotional response.

So in other words, if you hate yourself now – as a child, someone somehow taught you to be mean to yourself. To berate yourself in your inner commentary.

It may have been without realizing what they were doing – and remember THEY learned it from someone too!

Above all, it wasn’t your fault. And it isn’t your fault now. Perfection is not natural. Look at nature. Look at how everything in it is “perfectly imperfect”.

The amazing thing is, when you begin to reveal the underlying things that have caused you to hate yourself, for ANY reason… You begin to heal.

And you allow more of your inner goodness, your inner essence, inner beauty and gifts to shine forth.

For now, know that you’re allowed to feel this way and it’s likely a very natural reaction to what you’ve been shown and taught. Forgive yourself for hating yourself.

(>>I would strongly recommend healing childhood wounds around this if you are in this situation - look into the video here where I share more on how)

The amazing thing is, when you begin to reveal the underlying things that have caused you to hate or berate yourself, for ANY reason… You begin to heal.

And you allow more of your inner goodness, your inner essence, inner beauty and gifts to shine forth.

For now, know that you’re allowed to feel this way and it’s likely a very natural reaction to what you’ve been shown and taught. Forgive yourself for hating yourself.

Being Your Own Friend

And now, be your own ally a little more. If one of your friends, family members or even your child felt like this, how would you talk to them?

Be your own friend. Try to see yourself from the outside.

Know that this is something you can improve, you can become free from self hatred, but it may take a little time. This is really a hidden childhood wound that’s expressing itself in your adult life.

Your Uniqueness And Your Inner Light

This is something most of us struggle with but the amazing thing is, awareness is the first step to healing. You really are a unique and valuable person.

Think of this, of over 8 billion people on this planet, only you exist in this exact way.

The likelihood of you existing has been calculated to be something like 1/14 trillion. That means, mathematically, you are a miracle!

Try to be a little more forgiving of yourself, release your judgments a little. Pay attention to where the judgments and hate may really have come from. And work to see yourself the way you would a friend or a child.

I know you’re here for a reason. Those who have had a difficult path most often have a very special life purpose. I believe in you.

And as always, I’m sending you so much love and light for your continued journey <3